Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
