He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
