I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
