That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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