What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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