hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
