I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
