I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Randomize