Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
This is my gift to your gina
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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