Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
