it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize