I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
