Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
he shaved USA in his pubs
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
