also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
