Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize