I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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