Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
