I just threw up on my dentist
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
