new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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