the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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