what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
