I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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