Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Randomize
