What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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