There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
handjob tips. give me some.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
