If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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