I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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