If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
