Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
