I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Is this like a preordered booty call?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
