So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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