She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize