Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Dignity is for republicans.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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