when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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