IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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