i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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