I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Randomize
