I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
