I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
