let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
