here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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