Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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