that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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