Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
