My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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