im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
