I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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