You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
