Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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