We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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