Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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