Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
