I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
