My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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