hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
