I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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