I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
