he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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